


Came in from the Outside

by simplytheschittiest



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: CODA to Housewarming, Double Penetration, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Shameless Smut, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-09-28 12:17:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplytheschittiest/pseuds/simplytheschittiest
Summary: The thought of kissing either David or Patrick, let alone both of them together, hasn’t ever crossed Ted’s mind before tonight, but as he pulls back, his blue eyes meet their brown and his stomach flips at the hungry need that they're revealing.





	Came in from the Outside

**Author's Note:**

> What if Ted forgot his housecoat and wound up back at Patrick’s apartment after the housewarming party? _A purely self-indulgent musing of what that could have looked like._  
  
Title from “Almost” by Hozier

* * *

Ted raises his closed fist to knock on the door of Patrick’s apartment. He briefly contemplates turning around and heading home. “I can get my housecoat tomorrow,” he mutters to himself. 

He shifts his body, intending to leave, but pauses at the slightly muffled sound of David and Patrick’s raised voices on the other side of the door. 

“No, you just said you didn't like seeing your boyfriend kissing another guy.”

“Okay, fine. He's a handsome guy. I might've been a little jealous.”

“So, you think he's handsome then?”

“What? He's like—he goes to the gym.”

“Goes to the gym? 

“—Oh my God,”

Ted takes a step closer to the door, intrigued by their conversation. The thought of David or Patrick ever thinking of him in that way isn't something he has ever considered but between the rum raspberry coconut coolers and Patrick’s party shots—Ted finds himself inadvertently captivated by the conversation on the other side of the door.

“How jealous, though?”

“Why don't you take out the garbage?”

“How jealous were you?” 

“Nope!”

“Scale of one to ten. Like, enraged, or...”

“Byeeeee. Bye.”

“Like fuming? Did you sweat?”

Startled by the sound of rustling garbage bags and the footsteps of heavy boots, Ted pulls back from the door. His mind is swirling with a flurry of potential excuses to offer David when he opens the door—knowing all too well that David will inevitably be wondering how long he’d been standing there and why he hadn’t knocked. 

“Oh fuck!” David shouts, dropping the garbage bags and clutching his chest. “Ted?! What the fuck are you doing?”

“I—uh—I forgot...my uh,” 

“Oh right. The robe. Alexis said you were coming back for it.” David exhales and reaches down to pick up the bags. 

“Is she still mad?” David shakes his head. “It’s like she doesn’t even remember when Jared Leto gave me his sweater right after we hooked up at that Halloween party and then she fucking kissed him that same night. Ruined the sweater and the party in one swoop.”

“No, I guess she doesn’t remember that.” Ted pauses and then laughs. “Hey, wait...didn’t you pretend to be a pizza delivery guy just to get into that party?”

David clasps his hands together. “So anyway. Alexis is still mad?”

Ted sighs and leans against the wall. “I think so. She actually suggested we take a little break tonight. We’re single for the night.” He laughs. “She’s staying at Twyla’s. Stevie’s there too. Having a girls’ night, I guess.”

“Ah, okay. Right. _ Girls’ night _.” David laughs quietly to himself before looking back at Ted. “So. Did you need the robe? Or...”

Ted interjects, “You know what? It’s late. Alexis can just swing by tomorrow and—”

“It’s fine. You’re already here. Just come in.”

David swings open the door to the apartment and drops the garbage bags inside. 

The sound of the empty liquor bottles and beer cans clattering to the floor elicits an exasperated sigh from Patrick.

“What now, David?” Patrick huffs a laugh. “Did the moths swarm you by the dumpster again? You know they’re attracted to that light. Just go to the one on the other side—”

Patrick turns around to face David and releases a wry chuckle when he sees that David isn’t alone. “So...instead of taking the trash out...you’ve decided to—”

David interjects, “To run off with Ted, yes. He’ll heal the animals and then I’ll offer grooming services.” He moves towards Patrick, closing the space between them and wrapping his hands low around his hips. He plants a chaste kiss on Patrick’s cheek. “Just like we discussed.”

The corners of Patrick’s straight mouth fight a smile and he offers Ted a small nod. “Hi, Ted.”

Ted smiles back and returns the nod. He laughs quietly to himself as he admires their easy banter and takes small delight in knowing that, in this moment, he’s part of it.

Ted watches David and Patrick from across the apartment as they speak to each other in hushed tones. He can’t make out what either of them are saying but they’re smiling. He watches David’s fingertips leisurely brush up and down Patrick’s forearms. It’s mindless and natural and Ted wonders if he even knows he’s doing it. He wonders what David’s fingertips would feel like if they were brushing against his skin instead. Wonders what it feels like to touch Patrick’s arms. He shakes his head, physically trying to rattle the thoughts out of existence. “You’re drunk,” he says under his breath as he smoothes the front of his boxer shorts and tries to steady his shaking thighs.

He counts the loose threads that adorn the edges of his old slippers, trying to focus his attention on anything other than his thoughts.

“One.” _ Patrick has a nice smile. He’s got perfect teeth. And soft lips. Probably a great kisser. Shit. _

“Two.” _ Every hair on David’s head is perfectly in place. I want to grab a fistful of it and just—fuck. _

Ted glances up and watches them as they kiss, the corners of their lips curling upwards before pulling apart. He shakes his head, refocuses his attention to his slippers, and takes a deep breath. 

“Three.” _ This is David. That’s Patrick. They are David and Patrick. And you’re just drunk. _

Just as he’s convinced himself that the flushed feeling throughout his body could only be attributed to his slightly inebriated state, Ted feels warm breath on the nape of his neck. He turns towards it and finds David standing just inches away.

“Can we kiss you?” David asks, his dark eyes are wide and alert, searching Ted’s for an answer.

Ted nods and sucks in a ragged breath. _ This is David. _

“Use your words, Ted.” Patrick says, from his other side. 

_ That’s Patrick. _

Ted sucks in another breath and surprises even himself by the ease and confidence in his voice as he speaks. “Yes.” _ This is David and Patrick. And you’re not that drunk. _

David twists to kiss him. It’s not quite on-center, but it’s hot and open-mouthed and Ted wonders if he can still taste the lingering sweetness of Patrick’s party shots. He hums appreciatively as David twirls his fingers in his blonde hair and pulls him closer, taking notice of how David’s hands glide effortlessly through his hair. 

David kisses him deliberately and slowly, teasing with his tongue until he opens his mouth enough to allow him to slip further inside. Having never kissed a man before tonight, Ted is initially surprised at how soft David’s lips are. But then again, David _ is _ a Rose and they do have very meticulous skin care regimens.

Ted can feel Patrick on his other side, licking his way up his jawline, and pressing the full weight of his body into him, gasping as he nips and mouths at his skin. Patrick kisses his cheek, and then somehow, the three of them are all kissing at once, teeth and tongues and lips completely entangled and Ted never wants it to stop. They’re pressed tight together, Patrick and David’s hips undulating against his from both sides, rocking against him and making him groan into the kiss and dig his short fingernails into their scalps.

He pulls back, gasping for air, but Patrick and David continue kissing, grabbing at each other’s faces from either side of his shoulders. Ted tips his head back and watches them through heavily-lidded and half-open eyes.

The thought of kissing either David or Patrick, let alone both of them together, hasn’t ever crossed Ted’s mind before tonight, but as he pulls back, his blue eyes meet their brown and his stomach flips at the hungry need that they're revealing. He wraps an arm tightly around each of them and hauls them in closer. He kisses Patrick fervidly, sliding a hand up the back of his pajama shirt and over the sweaty planes of his broad back, as David nips at his ear and brushes a hand over his crotch, making him buck forward with a gasp and deliver a sharp bite to Patrick’s bottom lip.

Patrick laughs against Ted’s neck and then sinks to his knees, mouthing at the skin above the waistband of Ted's boxer shorts, fingers tugging lightly at the elastic. Patrick slides them over his hips and takes his cock out, hard and straining, then sinks his mouth down over it with a contented hum.

As Patrick takes Ted deeper into his mouth, Ted relishes in the light scratching of Patrick’s thin stubble on the inside of his thigh. He closes his eyes and allows himself to succumb to the intense feeling of Patrick’s hollowed cheeks around him. 

Ted strokes the back of Patrick’s head and continues kissing up the side of David’s neck, under his ear, and along his jawline. One hand around the back of Patrick’s neck and the other up David’s shirt, Ted’s two hands don’t seem like nearly enough.

Ted drags his mouth to David’s and moans against his lips as Patrick flicks his tongue over his slit, one hand wrapped tight around the base of his dick, the other cupping his ass. He pulls back to glance down at Patrick and groans, before immediately diving back to mash his lips into David’s. It’s fast and sweaty and he can feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge, until he’s scratching at the back of Patrick’s head, seeking leverage, and trying to pull him off before he comes down his throat.

“Whoa. Wait. Are you guys sure about this?” he asks, tugging Patrick up off his knees.

He watches Patrick and David as they look at each other, speaking a silent language that seemingly exists only between them. They lean forward, embracing each other with the kind of tender fondness that seems out of place given recent events.

“I love you,” they whisper in unison, their foreheads pressed together. And for a moment, he’s not sure if either of them are prepared to let this go any further.

Ted watches as they slowly unbutton eachother’s pajama shirts, slipping them delicately off their respective shoulders. His eyes widen as he watches them finish undressing each other. It’s clearly not the first time, and yet, their eyes rake over each other’s bodies, taking in every inch, as if it is.

Ted stumbles backwards, falling down into the bed as his knees hit the edge. He peels off his shirt and tosses it to the side. He tentatively wraps his hand around the inside of David’s thigh and pulls him to straddle him. David’s effervescent confidence and the ease in which he moves is undeniably attractive and Ted can’t help but wonder why it took until tonight to notice. 

Patrick follows David’s lead and rests his weight square on his back. David rocks forwards against Ted, and then backwards against Patrick as they all find a rhythm and learn how their bodies fit together. 

Sandwiched tight underneath the weight of David and Patrick and slick with precome, Ted’s cock glides smoothly up and down David’s torso as they grind into each other. Ted bites his lip as he feels himself tense up, knowing he’s close to coming undone. “I’m gonna—gonna—“

Ted moans loudly, skin on fire and burning at their touch. He comes all over David’s stomach, long pearly white strings of it painting his skin. He gasps for breath, caught tight underneath their bodies, hands pressing weakly against David’s chest and neck. 

“What a mess,” Patrick whispers through a tight-lipped smile, his lips pressed against David’s shoulder.

Ted watches as Patrick flips David over onto his back and leans over him, his forearms straining as he supports himself. He licks at Ted’s come on David’s stomach, cleaning it all up before nosing down to his cock. David groans as Patrick kisses over the head, then kitten licks down his shaft, flicking his tongue out at the prominent vein distending on the underside. He suckles the head, only taking it lightly into his mouth, David’s legs shifting restlessly on either side of him. He grins as best he can with a cock between his lips and sinks his mouth down to the base.

“Fuck!” David gasps, grabbing onto his short hair and tugging. Patrick hums and drags off slowly, sliding his tongue through the slit and pressing a little kiss to the tip, leaving David gasping and mourning the loss of his swollen lips.

David reaches for Ted and wraps a hand around the base of his cock. He lightly rubs his thumb up and down the shaft, still slippery with come, and grins as he feels it twitching again in response to his touch. David exhales, his breath ragged, “Fuck me?”

The words barely leave David’s lips before his dark eyes search for Patrick’s.

“Patrick?” David asks tentatively.

“Please,” Patrick says hoarsely. “Yes—you—Ted can—I want to watch.”

David crawls up Ted’s body and kisses him gently on the cheek. “Lube and a condom?” he asks, turning his attention back to Patrick.

Patrick rolls over to grab them out of the drawer as David straddles Ted’s chest, running his hands along his thighs, tipping his head back a little and sighing happily. “I’m gonna ride you,” he says as he leans down and whispers into his mouth, “Ride you hard.”

Ted laughs and guides David’s hand back to his groin. “Speaking of hard...”

“Really, Ted? A sex innuendo?”

“You mean sex in-your-endo?”

David smirks at him, somehow finding delight in Ted’s awful pun, and pulls Patrick flush behind him, tilting his head back to rest on his shoulder.

“Finger me,” David whispers in Patrick’s ear, and drops forward onto his hands so that he’s hovering over Ted, ass perfectly presented.

Patrick presses one finger against his entrance and Ted slides his palms over his sides, and David moans, dropping his head down to rest his forehead against Ted’s.

Patrick takes his time, kissing softly over the skin of David’s back, one hand massaging his ass cheeks as he stretches him open. One finger, then two, then three.

“You good?” Patrick murmurs, leaning forwards to press a kiss to the back of David’s ear. David nods and turns his head to kiss him before grabbing the condom and tearing it open with his teeth. He scoots back to unroll it over Ted’s cock, setting himself in position over his hips, and takes a deep breath.

“Ready, big guy?” David says, looking down at him with a lop-sided grin. 

“Yeah—” Ted chokes out, running his hands over David’s thighs, circling one hand around his own cock.

“Shhhh. Not yet,” David mutters, pressing a finger to his lips and sinking down onto the blunt head, carding a hand through Ted’s hair. “Fuck, that’s right. Fill me up.”

David lowers himself over Ted slowly, breathing hard until Ted’s fully bottomed out. He leans forward to brace himself on Ted’s chest and smirks at Patrick, whose pupils are so wide his eyes are almost black.

David lifts up a little, then drops his hips down again sharply, eliciting a groan from Ted. The warmth and tightness of being inside of David is simultaneously too much and yet, somehow, not enough. Keen for more, Ted grips tightly onto David’s thighs and pulls them tight around his torso.

David grins down at Ted initiates a steady rhythm, rocking his hips down faster and harder as Patrick continues to watch him bounce, stroking himself faster, skin flushed red in all its naked glory and eyes heavy and lidded. 

Ted groans, canting his hips up and thrusting harder, grabbing a handful of ass and breathing hot and heavy into David’s ear. “So tight, David. Feels so good.”

David presses his forehead down into the crook of Ted’s shoulder, body shaking with each thrust. He turns his head so that he can stare up at Patrick as he works his hips down, one hand tight in Ted’s hair. He reaches to put his hand on Patrick’s thigh.

“Want you to—ah—to fuck me too,” he pants.

Patrick’s hand stills on his cock and he stares at David, lips slightly parted.

“You...what?”

“Want both of you in me. At the—same—time.”

“What? A-are you sure?” Patrick chokes out. 

“I’m sure. Come on,” David croons, sitting up on his knees and rocking back down onto Ted’s cock again. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”

Patrick’s eyes narrow onto David’s and a smirk flirts across his lips. “Well...not with a _ person _, we haven’t.”

David rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna need stretching again.”

“Yeah—yeah, I’ll um—” Patrick fumbles for the bottle of lube, lost in the sheets, and uncaps the lid with a click that sends a shiver down Ted’s spine.

David eases himself off Ted’s dick, pressing a kiss to his nipple in apology. “Today please,” he whispers in Patrick’s direction. He settles on his back on the other side of the bed, tugging at Patrick’s wrist. “Come on, need to get a cock back in me soon.”

Patrick huffs a laugh. “Someone’s eager.”

He shakes his head fondly and slides a couple of fingers in David easily. He drives them in and out a couple of times before adding a third, then a short while later, a fourth.

David gasps at the extra addition, spreading his legs wider and pressing his head back into the mattress. 

“Okay,” whispers Patrick, patting David’s hip gently. “How do you want to...?”

“Facing you.” David turns around and offers Ted an insincere smile. “No offense.”

Ted quivers as David straddles his hips again, taking the opportunity to admire the sharp lines of David’s back as he lowers himself over his cock. He watches as David inhales, his shoulders moving with each shaky breath and his hips twitching as he eases himself into position. 

Patrick settles in front of David, so familiar and comforting in light of what they’re about to do, neat torso and soft skin and straining cock. David leans forward and they kiss. He brushes a hand lightly over Patrick’s neck and they share a warm and sincere smile reserved only for each other.

David reclines back onto Ted’s chest and takes a deep breath as Patrick slicks his hand liberally. He presses the lube into David, sliding a finger next to Ted’s cock, then lines himself up.

“You ready, babe?”

Patrick’s eyes are locked on David’s. He cards his fingers lightly through David’s hair and whispers, “I got you.”

David closes his eyes and smiles from the side of his mouth. “Yes.”

Patrick turns his gaze towards Ted. His dark brown eyes are less soft but there is an air of concern furrowing his brows. “Ted?”

“I—I—yeah, I’m ready.”

The first press of Patrick’s cock next to his own inside of David sets every nerve Ted has on fire; he can barely begin to imagine what it’ll be like moving. 

Patrick shifts forward, and suddenly the head of his cock pops in past the first ring, leaving all three men gasping. He settles a hand on either side of Ted’s shoulders and pushes in a little more. 

Patrick pulls out a little, dragging his cock over David’s swollen prostate, and fucks back in slowly, eyes completely fixated on David.

“Fuck,” Ted breathes, one hand sliding down over the skin of David’s side and gripping his thigh, pulling up around Patrick’s waist. “Can feel you fucking him.”

“So tight,” Patrick gasps. “Fuck. David.”

Patrick thrusts in and out of David, Ted working hard to remain still. In an effort to distract himself, he allows his fingers to roam Patrick’s torso, fingers toying with his nipples and stroking over his smooth chest.

Patrick stills and through some unspoken agreement, Ted begins to thrust into David, in tight, short motions, and grinding his hips and pressing in as deep as the tight stretch allows him to.

“Come on,” gasps David, moving his hips as best he can to help him. He tightens his legs around Patrick’s waist, pulling him down until they’re skin to skin and he’s trapped tightly between their sweaty bodies. They writhe together in a slow, drawn out beat, hips grinding, until David is squeezing Patrick’s shoulder and indicating that he’s teetering on the edge.

Ted reaches for David’s cock and finds Patrick’s hand already wrapped around it. David gasps at the addition of the second hand. He leans his head back onto Ted’s shoulder as they stroke him, sending pleasurable waves of vibration through his body. 

David comes hard, gasping a litany of ‘fucks’, one hand reaching behind him and grasping at Ted’s hair and the other wrapped tight around Patrick’s hips.

“Need you to come,” David whimpers, grabbing tightly onto Patrick’s forearm.

Patrick whines and bites at David’s neck, hips stuttering as he finds his release.

As Patrick softens, Ted quickens his pace and thrusts into David with renewed vigor. 

“Fuck,” Ted breathes in his ear. “Can feel his come.”

“Come on, babe,” David whines, twisting his head as much as possible and pressing a messy kiss to Patrick’s jaw.

Patrick gives one last attempted thrust into David, and Ted tenses underneath them, scraping his short nails in jagged lines and spattering thin white ribbons of come all over David’s back. 

He collapses back against the bed, caught underneath the two of them and glued in place by layers of sticky come and sweat. 

“Hey, David?”

David leans his head back against Ted’s shoulder. “Hm?”

“What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?”

David sighs. “I don’t fucking know, Ted. What’s the difference?”

“Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole _ weak _.”

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the slightly lengthy notes section. Feel free to skip it.  
  
1\. I couldn't write a story where Ted cheats on Alexis. Originally, I was just going to leave her out of this completely (plot? what plot?) but it turns out that I couldn't get past it. So for tonight, Ted/Alexis are on a break and _literally everyone_ gets a threesome. Hooray!  
  
2\. Here's a link to the website that I used to help me get everyone into position and to visualize how I wanted that to look. The position I went with is called [group bent spoons](https://gaysexpositions.guide/post/2408/double-penetration-gay-sex-position) and I, um, highly recommend checking it (and the rest of the website) out. It's obviously NSFW so click at your own risk.  
  
3\. Also, I just need to quickly shout at those of you at the motel who aggressively encouraged me to write and share this (looking at you, Didi <3). Writing this was really challenging for me and I needed a lot of support and cheerleading. I never would have finished had it not been for many of you lovely folks. _The End._
> 
> Please tip your fic writers :)


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